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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27447004">In The Dark</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arabesqueangel/pseuds/Arabesqueangel'>Arabesqueangel</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Rise Up, Ting, Ting [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Amnesia, Amnesiac Bucky Barnes, Amnesiac Loki (Marvel), Angst and Feels, Banter, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bonding, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Captain America: The Winter Soldier Compliant, Found Family, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, M/M, Oblivious Steve Rogers, POV Bucky Barnes, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Roommates, Team Bonding</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:55:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>19,296</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27447004</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arabesqueangel/pseuds/Arabesqueangel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky has no allusions about his uniqueness, he’s an oddity in a way no one should ever have to cope with. So when he runs into a homeless guy that also claims to have memory issues, he’s suspicious, to say the least. Still, there’s something about the man that convinces Bucky to take a chance on him. It could be empathy, it could just be that the man is really hot; what more does he really have to lose?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Loki</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Rise Up, Ting, Ting [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2124504</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>121</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>210</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Do You Talk to the Animals?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I’m enjoying writing StrangeFrost so much I figured I’d try my hand at another Loki rarepair, WinterFrost! I hope you enjoy this, I have some ideas for a sequel that I’ld love to see come to fruition if people are interested!</p><p>Fic name and chapter titles are from the Song Glitter and Gold by Barns Courtney.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The asset… Bucky, he corrected internally. James maybe? James sounded less ridiculous than Bucky, but it felt even less like him, so Bucky it would be for now. Anything was better than Asset, than Soldier. Bucky started for the place he had been squatting in Bucharest. He had groceries dangling from both arms, mostly fresh produce. Biting into a fresh piece of fruit was still an indescribable pleasure after who knew how long without. He loved the sweet so much that he had purchased a candy bar last weekend, but found that it was too cloyingly sweet, too fake. He preferred the freshness that came right from the earth. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bucky,” he said softly. “Bucky; I’m Bucky.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe if he kept saying it, it would feel true. The target… the Captain… Steve called him that so easily in his fractured dreams, when they had faced one another. His own name sounded more natural on someone else’s lips than his own. He kept walking, each step a syllable. Bu-cky, Bu-cky, Bu-cky. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t realize he was still speaking out loud until he heard a snort to his right. He moved quickly, his hand going straight for his gun, only to immediately back his hand away when he saw where the noise had come from, or rather who. It was just a homeless man. He was laying on a bench as if he had been skywatching, but now his head was turned towards Bucky. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A few more seconds of analysis had Bucky rethinking his initial estimation. While he knew that anyone could be homeless, hell, technically he was, this man didn’t quite fit that description for him. He was young for one, probably late-twenties, and had no sign of a physical issue that would keep him from being able to make a living. He also looked too… soft. Like his edges hadn’t been sharpened yet by a hard life. Sure, he was dirty, but it stood out against pale skin that hadn’t yet been weathered by exposure. His black hair was long and uneven, oily and lanky like he hadn’t had a good shower in weeks. His clothes were ragged and ill-fitting, but there was something about the whole package that screamed that this was not a usual state.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It probably meant the man was insane. Newly let loose from some hospital that didn’t know what to do with him or abandoned by family. Bucky wasn’t frightened of that prospect, but he kept his distance nonetheless, his eyes sliding away before they could make full contact. He had enough crazy to deal with in his own brain without letting someone else in. Bucky tried to continue walking, but of course, the man had seen him stop.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who or what is ‘Bucky’?” The man asked. Bucky was surprised enough to turn around and look at the man fully. The man had asked in English, not Romanian. He also had a very posh sounding British accent, once again contrasting with his homeless vibe.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Me?” Bucky responded, his surprise overriding his judgement. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man snorted again. Oh yeah, this was not the reaction of a guy who had grown up on the street, or even as poor as Bucky had. Intrigued, Bucky pressed his luck. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The homeless guy wants to judge, huh?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky had been expecting affront, some denial of being homeless. Maybe the man was researching an acting role, or maybe he just had terrible hygiene and clothing and was actually one of those rich, eccentric types. Instead the man just smirked and inclined his head as if to say, ‘touche’.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The smirk looked good on that face. The way his skin wrinkled around his nose and eyes told Bucky that he probably smirked far more than he actually smiled. It showed his cheekbones to great effect and despite the slight squink, the man’s bright green eyes were striking. Still, the man had answered Bucky’s question, after a fashion. He didn’t deny being homeless, the nod seemed to indicate assent. Mystery solved, moving on, time for sustenance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky smiled back at the man, no harm in being friendly, before turning and starting back for home. There was no crazy babble that chased him so Bucky felt like he had won this encounter. He had claimed his name, had a positive interaction with another human soul and now he could go back to agonizing over his memories, or the lack thereof. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Unfortunately, his feet didn’t seem to get the memo. He told them to walk home, they decided instead to walk back to the bench. The man had gone back to staring up at the clouds. Bucky looked up as well, trying to see what the man seemed to find so fascinating. They were just puffs of white. They weren’t even those big fluffy clouds that often looked like shapes. Just thin wispy smears across the blue sky. Weird. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Want a plum?” Bucky found himself offering. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man startled; he hadn’t noticed Bucky returning. Another point towards him being not all there. Still he shrugged, sat up and held out his hand for the fruit. Bucky sat down and passed one over to him from his bag, taking one out himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky didn’t start eating immediately, instead he became distracted by his companion. The homeless man quickly bit into the flesh of the plum and groaned in obvious enjoyment. Red juice ran down his chin and Bucky found himself riveted. After a few more bites, the man tensed, attention swaying from the fruit to Bucky. Bucky had a moment of panic in being caught looking at a man with obvious appreciation, but the guy just chuckled. There were some nice things about this future that Bucky found himself in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My apologies,” the man said finally, after licking all the juice off his hands in a way that should disgust Bucky considering how dirty they probably are, but only served to enthrall him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, I know hungry. I get it.” Bucky waved it off. He did dig in his bag for another plum to hand to the man.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The other man hesitated as if he was going to refuse, but seemed to think better of it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you; I’ll save this for later,” He said with a slight smile. It was much warmer than his smirk, but not quite as stunning. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re welcome….” Bucky trailed off, waiting for the man to fill in his name. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to lay down again,” the man said instead. Looking at Bucky sitting down on the bench where his feet would go.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky got up awkwardly, finding that he really didn’t want to end the conversation there. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Damn, give a man two plums and can’t even get a name in return.” Bucky said as if to himself. “Even when he got your name and made fun of it and all.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, Bucky is a ridiculous name for anyone who isn’t a child. Honestly, what were your parents thinking?” The man laughed, still looking up at the sky.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who knows? Probably that I’d go by James when I grew up, I suppose.” Bucky answered, trying to come up with images that filled the role of ‘parents’ and coming up blank. It was too depressing to linger on for long.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What do your parents call you?” Bucky asked, hoping a more straightforward request would be answered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man shrugged; it looked a little odd when lying down, but Bucky got the gist. “Can’t remember.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky stilled. His heart started pounding, pushing ice through his veins. Who was this guy? Was he spying on Bucky? Was this all a ploy? Was he Hydra, testing how much Bucky remembered? After a few minutes frozen in uncertainty Bucky managed a “what?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man sighed, still not looking over at Bucky. “No one believes me. I keep getting taken in by the police because they think I’m a criminal trying to hide. But I have no ID, I’m not anywhere in their system, so they eventually have to just let me go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For anyone but Bucky, yeah, that might be kind of crazy; hell, even Bucky thought it seemed a bit unbelievable, but he couldn’t help but believe the defeated look on the man’s face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want to come home with me?” Bucky blurted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man looked wide-eyed at Bucky, even drew back a bit. “I’m not quite desperate enough to be trading sex for food and shelter, thank you,” he said. It was kind of amazing how ridiculously polite it sounded, must have been the accent.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky laughed nervously. “That wasn’t what I meant to say. I’m a bit out of the habit of talking with people.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“People are hard. I find pigeons to be much easier conversationalists,” the man responded, the smirk returning to his face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky frowned. Maybe the man really was crazy. He had been so certain at first but…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Note to self, when you are already homeless, don’t make jokes about talking to pigeons, you will just seem crazier.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky laughed. “It was a good one, but yeah, I guess I don’t know you well enough to be sure about that one. Anyways, what I meant to ask was, do you need a place to stay? I’ve only got the one bedroom, but if you don’t mind crashing on the couch…?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” The man asked it so simply. The truth was, Bucky wasn’t quite sure. He couldn’t even take care of himself; he barely even knew who ‘himself’ was. But this man seemed so much worse off than Bucky, he couldn’t help but empathise and want to do something for him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” Bucky started, wondering just how much he was willing to reveal. But if the man was going to stay with him, even for a short time, a lot of it would come out anyways. He might as well. “I’ve got my own memory issues. I’ve been trying to piece the bits together, I mean, I know my nam,  but it doesn’t really </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel</span>
  </em>
  <span> like my name.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man squinted at him. Bucky was really going to have to find something to call him. “I know I shouldn’t be skeptical, considering I hate that no one believes me, but it seems like too much of a coincidence.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re telling me; I thought you might be messing with me, at first,” Bucky agreed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I suppose that does explain why you were repeating your own name,” the man nodded before apparently coming to a decision. “Yes, I will come with you. Perhaps it’s fate.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fate?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you not believe in fate?” The man asked him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t like to think that the things that happened to me were supposed to happen, I guess,” Bucky shrugged. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man looked at him consideringly. “I suppose I can relate to that. Maybe I lived a charmed life before waking up in a police holding cell with no memory, but somehow I doubt it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know, you look pretty charmed to me,” Bucky blurted without thinking. He could feel his cheeks stain with a blush. The man just grinned cheekily. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky started for home and the man dropped into step next to him, fortunately on Bucky’s right, leaving his primary weapon’s hand open. They walked in companionable silence for a bit before Bucky felt the need to talk again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So what do I call you?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, the pigeons didn’t have much need for names,” the man started, looking at Bucky slyly out of the corner of his eye. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ha ha, yes, I am aware that I am bringing home a crazy guy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ok, good, as long as we’re on the same page.” The man chuckled before sobering. “The police called me </span>
  <span>Ion Popescu</span>
  <span>.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that like John Doe?” At the man’s frown, Bucky continued. “A kind of placeholder if they don’t know someone’s real name.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man nodded. “Yes, but I think I like John better than Ion.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“John it is then,” Bucky smiled and the man returned it brightly. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Do You Ponder the Manner of Things?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>John and Bucky got to know one another far more quickly than they had any right to, considering how little they knew of themselves. Neither of them were morning people, which was fortunate since the couch was in spitting distance of the kitchen and Bucky needed coffee in the morning like he needed to breathe. John was more of a fan of tea, which certainly went with the accent. John took Bucky’s need for calisthenics in the morning in stride. He seemed to be one of those naturally whip-cord thin men, but Bucky needed to workout to keep in shape, and he needed to keep in shape to feel safe. Bucky wasn’t anything more than mildly amused at John’s penchant for gazing up at the sky. If there was a free moment and John wasn’t to be found, Bucky just needed to go up to the roof and there he’d be, laying on the ground staring up at the sky. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One afternoon, after finding John this way, Bucky decided to join him, laying down next to the man and gazing into the deep blue forever. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you looking for?” Bucky asked, mostly to keep himself from falling into a doze. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Home,” John replied automatically. “Or the feeling of it, anyways.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not following.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not sure I could explain it. I just look up into the sky, night-time, day-time, it doesn’t matter, and I get this feeling of ‘home’. I don’t know. Maybe I was a pilot? Maybe my family lived on a houseboat where the sky was the only scenery around. I’m not sure, but I like the feeling.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know where home is… well, was. Brooklyn, New York. I visited there, right after I saved Steve and broke away from Hydra.” Bucky had told most of the gist of his story by this point, the war, Steve, Hydra; it hadn’t been all at once. He could really only bear to talk of it in pieces, kind of like it currently was in his brain. John didn’t know everything that Bucky knew, and even what Bucky knew had a lot of gaps, but he knew quite a lot. “It hadn’t felt right. I knew that it should be familiar, but it wasn’t. I’m sure a lot of that was the amount of time, but still, I couldn’t stay there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you came here, to me,” John said simply.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fate. The word was unspoken, but felt heavy in the air between them. John had said it enough in the past few weeks. He definitely had some interesting views on how the world worked, considering he had little actual information to go on. But Bucky had learned to just go along with it. It was far easier than arguing with the man, there was certainly no winning that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was surprised at how easily John went along with his own peculiarities. Bucky had been out grocery shopping and John took it upon himself to do the laundry, including Bucky’s bedsheets. Bucky came back to find his Glock 17 right back under his pillow where he kept it, and John never said a word. Then again, Bucky didn’t say anything when he was cleaning the next week and found a knife under the couch cushion, </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was odd how many similarities they shared. They both had nightmares. Bucky’s ranged from the war to the chair to some that were certainly blocked memories from when he was the Winter Soldier. It didn’t matter what the dream was, every single time he woke, it was to light fingers brushing through his hair and soft murmurs in his ear. John was always back on the couch when Bucky awoke though. It was a relief, at first, anything else would have been too much intimacy too soon. It wasn’t long before he started to want more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The first time Bucky woke up to shouts, he initially thought they were his own. But when there was no comforting finger-combing, Bucky realized what was happening. He rushed to the couch to find John curled up in the fetal position shaking. Bucky tried the same tack with John, fingers through his hair and whispers that he was safe, he was ok, he was not alone. Finally, John’s eyes opened, locking on Bucky’s and his whole body went slack with relief. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What was your dream about?” Bucky asked, once John’s breathing had calmed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky always talked about his nightmares. He found that actually saying them out loud, accepting the memory helped. Talking seemed to calm him down as well and better get back to sleep. Plus he couldn’t help but wonder if John’s dreams would reveal some of his own past, like Bucky’s generally did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing,” John answered. Bucky tensed, getting frustrated despite himself. He’d told John literally </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything </span>
  </em>
  <span>he knew about himself. His greatest weaknesses, his deepest fears. He’d never expected full reciprocity, John just didn’t have that to give, but John had always been open with what was on his mind at the very least.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It was just...black,” John continued, and Bucky realized that he </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> talking about his nightmare. “An endless sea of black and I’m floating in it. I can’t move, I can’t breathe. I don’t know if my eyes are open or closed. My ears feel like they are full of cotton because there’s a total absence of sound.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>John actually sobbed and Bucky cupped the man’s face. He brushed the tears off his cheeks with his thumbs. He had the insane desire to kiss the other man on the forehead, but managed to abstain. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can count the weeks in all your new memories, but there’s just nothing there for me. Even in my dreams it’s just… dark. I don’t think I can ever get back who I was.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky shushed him, tucked him back in and rubbed his back until he finally fell back asleep. Like John, he then went back to bed. The next morning, they were back to their routine again. That was that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One night, after a particularly bad nightmare that had John sobbing for what felt like hours, Bucky didn’t go back to his own bed. His mind was going too fast for sleep. So when John woke up, Bucky was still seated next to the couch. He startled as soon as he noticed Bucky. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You didn’t have to stay,” he said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> never do, was the unstated continuation. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve been thinking,” Bucky responded immediately. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sounds dangerous,” John responded wryly, making Bucky smile. He was already back to himself. In fact, he was already getting up from the couch to tinker in the kitchen, getting the kettle going for his tea and Bucky’s coffee. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What would you think about going to England?” Bucky asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What made you think of this?” John asked turning around to frown at him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your accent? I mean, I’ve been slowly getting some memories back. Sure, they’ve been mostly Hydra stuff which is kind of terrible, but it’s still progress. You have-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing,” John cut in bitterly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you have me,” Bucky responded which soothed a bit of the bitter twist of John’s lips. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“True, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that. Go on.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You haven’t seemed to get anything back like I have. So I was wondering if a change in scenery might help. We can maybe go someplace familiar, or at the least that has familiar accents. Maybe that will jog something?” Bucky finished, feeling oddly nervous. Or maybe it wasn’t too odd, traveling internationally with someone you barely knew was kind of a big step. Then again, he knew John almost as well as he knew himself; was that really someone he barely knew?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not a bad idea, which is why I thought of it first,” John said musingly. Bucky laughed. “But it’s impossible. I don’t have any sort of official identification. I can’t get over any borders. I’m stuck.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky laughed again. “What a goody two-shoes; that’s only a problem if you try to obey the law.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>John laughed. “I can’t be that good, I’m suddenly very intrigued by the connections that you have in order to bypass this little issue.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, I was born in 1917 and I’m wanted by just about every government out there, or at least, by their intelligence bureaus. How did you think I managed?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>John grinned as he handed Bucky his coffee, settling back down on the couch with his mug of tea. Bucky loved when he </span>
  <em>
    <span>really </span>
  </em>
  <span>smiled. He was gorgeous. All too quickly the smile fell off John’s face and he sighed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t let you do this. Your life, your place…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re currently squatting here, and you know that. Soon enough we’ll be caught out and have to leave anyway.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” Those green eyes looked straight into his, unwavering and unyielding. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Purely selfish,” Bucky responded. “Helping you makes me happy, and I’ve learned to grab hold of that where I can.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>John was not swayed. “Wouldn’t you be happier with Steve?”</span>
</p>
<p>“Hey, Steve and I aren’t like that; we were never like that.”</p>
<p>
  <span>John huffed a laugh. “No homo, dude.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky let out a huge guffaw. The seriousness that John had when he said such a ridiculous statement combined with that british accent was just too funny. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where the hell did you hear that?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“There are places called libraries where you can access the internet. I may not have memories, but I do have brain cells, Barnes. Keep up.” John chuckled before his face went serious. “I was in earnest. Steve may not be your lover, but I know he’s important to you. There’s no doubt in my mind he would take you in and defend you against anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, he would all right. Never met a fight he could say no to, I remember that much at least. But it’s not enough. There are so many holes; I’m not the man he remembers. It would be unfair to him. Because he'd have to fight. He’d have to fight his friends, multiple governments, Hydra, all for a man that will never exist again.” Bucky sighed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And it’s not just about Steve. I may be more myself now than when I saw him, but it just didn’t feel right. Did I tell you I went to Brooklyn?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>John nodded, but Bucky continued on anyways, needing to get the words out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“After the whole Washignton thing, after reading about myself in a museum of all places, I went back there. I mean, I know it’s changed over the years, but I couldn’t identify what. I felt like there were ghosts all around me, I just couldn’t see them. I think I just need some time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s go,” John cut in suddenly. “To London. Maybe I’ll have my own ghosts, but we won't know until we get there, right? Ghosts would be better than… nothing.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Do You Walk in the Valley of Kings?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry, last week flew by and before I knew it I had missed a week of posting! Hope this chapter makes up for it! ; )</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Getting to London was laughably easy, though John had remained anxious and skeptical until they had finally set foot in the city. Crossing borders was child’s play when you knew the right people, and Hydra had made certain he had access to the right people in the right countries. Bucky had been careful not to use any direct Hydra contacts. More like contacts of contacts. Even then, he had gotten documents from a few different people to get them into a few different countries. It wasn’t bulletproof. Hydra had the resources if they caught onto his scent, but it was the best he could do. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was all worth it when he saw the hopeful anticipation on John’s face. Bucky could feel himself falling deeper and deeper. What’s more, it was a hole he wasn’t sure he wanted to get out of. It was stupid. Neither of them had any business getting into a relationship where neither of them were working with a full deck. Then again, to continue the metaphor, the cards were all out on the table. There were no secrets between the two of them either. It could work. They could grow together, assuming any memories they obtained didn’t change them categorically. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Unfortunately, as the days passed hopeful anticipation quickly waned to numbness. Bucky was certain that John was trying very hard to keep the disappointment off his face as they visited site after site, street after street with no new memories to speak of. Bucky himself was at a loss. He didn’t know what he could do other than try to make their outings fun and light. Try to provide happiness in the now even if he couldn’t bring back anything from the past. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It worked often enough, Bucky’s silly antics, his teasing asides, his ravenous hunger for every new type of foodstuff brought a reluctant smile, then a smirk then a laugh. Soon they were visiting places just to see them, not for the memories they might glean. They could just be two travelers seeing the sights. It was freeing, but Bucky knew it couldn’t go on forever, they’d have to discuss what they were doing next, but it was too easy to keep telling himself that it wasn’t yet time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One not particularly special day when they were out, John grabbed his hand to steer him in the right direction. It wasn’t a particularly odd occurrence except, he left it there. Suddenly they were holding hands as if they’d been doing so forever, not a word spoken between them. Bucky was getting a bit concerned about how much they left unsaid, but not enough to disrupt the status quo. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>John, it seemed, did not have such reservations, or he wanted to move forward. They were on the Tower Bridge, just looking out over the water when John turned to look at him. Bucky could feel his friend’s eyes on him and turned to look back. As soon as his head was fully turned John’s lips seized his in a kiss. Bucky closed his eyes, marveling in the novel sensation. When was the last time he had been kissed? He shook the thought away as quickly as it came, wanting to stay in the moment. It wasn’t particularly long or involved, but it heated him to his core. Slowly John pulled away a cautious smile on his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What was…? When did…? Why?” Bucky stammered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you,” John said with a little laugh. “That was thank you, for this, for everything, I don’t know what I would have done without you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A cold feeling rushed into Bucky, completely dissipating the warmth that had built during their kiss. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why does that feel like goodbye?” Bucky asked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fortunately, John seemed distraught at the thought. “No, not at all. It’s just, we need to talk about what comes next.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky let out the breath that he had been holding. “Yes, I agree, I just…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You didn’t want to pressure me into giving up, I know,” John smiled. “You’re ridiculously sweet.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For a mass murderer,” Bucky added darkly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t; that’s not you,” Bucky shook his head and opened his mouth, but John stopped him. “I know you did those things and I know they will probably always haunt you, but what you did is not the same as who you are. You are your memories. They are what shapes us. That’s why they took them from you, because they knew the person who had those memories couldn’t do those things.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So now that I have memories of being the person I was before Hydra </span>
  <em>
    <span>and</span>
  </em>
  <span> of doing those horrible things?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are different; you certainly aren’t the Bucky you were before. But now you have the agency to choose what you want to take from it, to never be that again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky grabbed John’s hand and squeezed it. Hoping to convey in the gesture what he never could manage in words with his tight throat as it was. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What about you?” Bucky asked after he had managed to clear his throat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>John smiled bitterly. “I’m lucky. I’m a blank slate. I don’t have to pick and choose from my past and how it’s shaped me, I get to define myself going forward. Who knows? Maybe gaining my memories would have been a bad thing. Maybe the person I would be with them wouldn’t be one who could be with you. I’m not sure I could have borne that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It seemed like an excellent time to say the words that had been building up in him for weeks, but Bucky hesitated. Was it too soon? Was it too much? When they had to try to put together some semblance of a life for each of them, would this be different?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bucky?” The question didn’t come from John, it came from behind him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky’s hand went immediately for his shoulder holster. He could see John’s hand sliding to the knife he had sheathed in the back of his jeans as he frowned over Bucky’s shoulder. Slowly, Bucky turned, shifting his weight so that he was between John and whatever misfortune Bucky had brought upon them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Bucky caught sight of the blonde staring at him from a few feet away with those big, blue puppy dog eyes, Bucky’s hand immediately fell away from his gun. He could feel John still tense at his back, so he still didn’t move. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Steve,” Bucky started, not quite sure where to begin. “What are you doing here?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I could ask the same about you, Buck, but you had to know I’d be looking for you.” Steve took a step forward and Bucky tensed so he stopped where he was, holding his hands out pacifyingly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Bucky started, gulping. John’s hand slipped comfortingly onto his waist and he felt able to continue. “I know I’ve done things, I know I need to pay, but I just… I can’t be that and I can’t let Hydra find me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bucky, no,” Steve looked wounded. “We’re only here to help you, I swear. I won't let Hydra get you, not ever again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I told you,” John whispered soothingly, his hand not leaving Bucky’s waist. But what about you, John? Was all Bucky could think. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait… we?” Bucky asked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The Avengers,” Steve said, like it was obvious. Perhaps it should have been. “Tony’s the one who actually managed to track you down, via CCTV. What made you come to London anyway?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>John tensed behind him, still hiding, though Bucky wasn’t entirely sure why. John wasn’t exactly the shy type. Still, Steve had to have seen him earlier, possibly even their kiss depending upon how long he had been waiting, but he hadn’t addressed the extra man at all. Bucky slipped his own hand back, grabbing John’s hand and squeezing. The answering squeeze gave him what he needed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was helping a friend,” Bucky responded, leading John around his back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>John smiled tightly at Steve and nodded. “It’s nice to meet you, Steve Rogers. I’ve heard quite a bit about you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve froze, his face a perfect picture of shock. Just as suddenly he was moving forward and speaking, though it wasn’t to them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I need backup here, stat. It’s Loki”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve’s eyes were locked on John as he stalked forward, as he got closer Bucky pulled John behind him again and could hear from what he assumed was Steve’s earpiece a burst of chatter that all seemed to be some form of “Fuck! Loki!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who the hell is Loki?” Bucky asked, stepping back as Steve kept advancing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Get away from him, Buck. You have no idea how dangerous he is,” Steve said, obviously trying to remain calm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No more dangerous than me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not even close,” the words came from behind them. Bucky whirled, more comfortable with his back to Steve than an unknown party; his gun was in his hand before he could even finish the thought, pointing at their intruder. This was the woman from the bridge, the same red hair and tight black jumpsuit. She was pointing a gun back at them, well, mostly at John. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a whir of motors behind them and Bucky just turned his heads to see a large jet descending right over the bridge. It also had some impressive armaments locked on them. There was no way they could get themselves out of this with a fight. They’d be taken down immediately. Bucky looked over at the water. Even John should be able to survive the jump. If Bucky could get to him in time, he could make sure they got far enough away that they could make it to shore. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A hand tight on his forearm interrupted his planning. “Bucky.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky looked over at John. His eyes were wide and panicked, but his voice was calm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe we should go with them,” John continued. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They think you are someone else!” Bucky argued.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can’t know that,” John replied, looking back at Steve with dread. “But if this is a misunderstanding, I’m sure we can work it out in a way where no one gets hurt.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky allowed John to lower his arm and Bucky dropped the gun altogether. Bucky tensed as the woman got closer but didn’t do anything until she grabbed John roughly. He snarled at her. John just gave him a pleading look. Steve, however, looked at the woman. They had what appeared to be a mental conversation before she moved forward with John in hand, but much more gently now. Bucky followed behind so he could keep an eye on the woman and Steve stayed at his side.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By this time, the jet had landed. they walked around to the other side so they could enter through the hatch. There were four men waiting for them in the plane. One had a bow and arrow pointed straight at John. Another, this one Bucky recognized as Iron Man, had a hand pointed at them, he too was ready to fire at a moment’s notice. The black man with the wings that had helped Steve in DC was there too. He seemed tense, alert, but not threatening. There was another man, a brunette in regular clothes hanging in the back as if he wanted to be forgotten. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were seated on the plane and Iron Man slapped some very fancy looking cuffs onto John. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that necessary?” Bucky asked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh yeah,” Iron Man said, removing his helmet. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then cuff me too,” Bucky said, holding his wrists out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bucky, that’s not-“ Steve started.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t be too hasty there, Cap. You remember last time?” The winged-man cut in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sam, he was under Hydra’s control then.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And we’re sure he’s not now? Or maybe under Loki’s control?” Sam eyed John. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Stark rolled his eyes and placed a pair of handcuffs on Bucky’s wrists. They appeared to be more reinforced than the usual police issue, which made sense, but they looked nothing like John’s fancy ones. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why are his different?” Bucky asked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So he can’t magic himself out of them,” Stark responded. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Excuse me, magic?” John cut in. Everyone ignored him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Plus, he has super strength,” Steve continued. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At that, both Bucky and John laughed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, now this is getting ridiculous. He weighs maybe a buck-fifty? Soaking wet?” Bucky looked John up and down sceptically. “I mean, I had to help him open an olive jar the other day.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey!” John cut in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Am I wrong?” Bucky asked him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” John finally admitted a bit petulantly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The Avengers eyed the two of them suspiciously. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bucky.” Steve turned Bucky away from John so that they were as face to face as they could be while still staying buckled in the seats. “Loki is Asgardian, an alien. They look basically human, but they are far stronger than they look. I fought Loki personally and he looked exactly the same as he does now and still rung my bell.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I apologize for interrupting, but I think you’ve made a mistake here. I went along with you all because I thought you might know who I am. I’ve always had the impression my past wasn’t pretty. But even if I don’t know who I am, I’m fairly sure I would have figured out by now if I was an alien who was able to do magic,” John finally cut in, obviously annoyed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Had the impression?” The red-haired woman repeated, eyes laser focused on John.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He doesn’t have any memories before a few months ago,” Bucky answered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The blonde with the bow and arrow snorted before speaking for the first time. “That’s convenient.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I assure you, it isn’t,” John responded wryly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He still talks the same,” the blonde said to Stark.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, he was always polite, even when murdering people,” Stark replied. “Look, there’s an easy out. Don’t take our word for it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tony!” Steve chided.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Stark held a hand up as he rummaged in a bag and pulled out a tablet. He deftly and quickly typed for a moment before handing the tablet to Bucky.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky saw that it was security footage. A man of John’s relative appearance and build was entering into a room with glass walls that was decorated very starkly. The man was wearing clothes that definitely weren’t from anywhere on Earth Bucky had ever seen. He was also carrying a gold staff with a glowing blue stone at the end. Unfortunately, the camera angle wasn’t great and wasn’t zoomed nearly close enough for them to get a good look at the guy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky frowned up at Stark who just motioned for him to wait and pointed back at the tablet. The camera angle changed as Stark walked in. Bucky guessed that there must be several security cameras in the room. Suddenly, he was looking right at the man from somewhere behind Stark. There wasn’t audio, so Bucky didn’t know what they were saying to one another, but it was obviously combative and the man started forward.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>John gasped; Bucky couldn’t blame him. Loki really did look just like him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Looks worse than when I first met you,” Bucky said, halfheartedly trying to deflect the tension. Shit, what if John really was this alien conqueror?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But… how?” John sighed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was when Bucky noticed something. “Blue eyes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” The blonde archer snapped, immediately coming over to look at the screen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“John has green eyes,” Bucky pointed out. Those veridian orbs were currently wide as they took in the one truly identifiable difference between the two. It was a tiny detail, but Bucky would roll with it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck, I didn’t notice,” Stark said, also leaning over to look at the screen and then at John. He then looked up and made eye contact with Steve. “Green.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That means something, doesn’t it?” Bucky asked them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone looked uneasily at the two of them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thor’s at the tower already. We’re touching down in five,” the red-head cut in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thor?” John asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your brother,” the archer sneered, emphasizing the `your’ in a way that said clearly that he was not buying John’s lack of memory.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sure big bro can clear this up. You won't be able to play him nearly as easily as Manchurian Candidate over here,” Stark said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky looked over at John, not sure what he expected to see on the man’s face. Worry maybe? Curiosity? Fear? Doubt? Instead, he just looked completely blank. That cold feeling was settling like a stone once again in Bucky’s stomach. He had the feeling things were going to get a lot worse before they got better. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Everybody’s in the Front Room Tripping Out</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“I will deck you, Stevie, I swear!” Bucky growled. Steve’s hands, currently barring him from following wherever it was they took John, dropped like Bucky had burned him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You called me Stevie,” he gasped. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Bucky said awkwardly “Not really sure where that came from.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, it’s just… that’s what you used to call me, growing up.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah, things like that crop up from time to time,” Bucky sighed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He figured maybe this playing friendly thing might go better since he wasn’t sure if he could win an out and out fight versus Steve. He did know that he didn’t want to hurt the other man finding out, though. So instead he sat down heavily on the couch. Steve joined him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why won't you let me go with him?” Bucky asked calmly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Loki has been manipulating you, Bucky,” Steve said softly. “We need to get him to tell what his plan is and get you to a doctor to see what he’s done.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He hasn’t done anything! Nothing except be there for me when I had nightmares, listen to me work out my memories, help me deal with the things I’ve done, encourage me to come see you.” The list went on and on, and what did Bucky do in return? Just hand him over to who knows what kind of treatment?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“See? Obviously, he was trying to use you to get to us,” Steve latched on to the last bit of information, completely ignoring the other things. Frankly, it was a little egotistical if you asked Bucky, thinking everything was about The Avengers, about him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How would he even know about me to seek me out? How would he find me?” Bucky countered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, who knows with his magic how he found you, but I get the impression it wouldn’t have been hard. How he knew about you though…. Well, when we fought him before, he had this staff that allowed him to take over people’s minds.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky shivered and Steve placed a warm, steadying hand on his shoulder, obviously aware of how that thought would affect him. Shit, that was, bad…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He had a lot of SHIELD agents under his control, including Clint,” at Bucky’s confused look, Steve continued, “the blonde archer.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky nodded for him to go on. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anyway, he focused a lot on getting information about all of us. He got into all SHIELD’s files, and as we now know, HYDRA was operating inside of SHIELD…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So he could have gotten access to the files on the Winter Soldier and found out who I am,” Bucky finished for him, his stomach sinking, if possible, further. This really wasn’t looking good for John not being Loki. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who you were,” Steve corrected firmly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky rolled his eyes. “Steve, I’m not your friend.” At Steve’s hurt look, Bucky realized what he had said exactly and cursed. “I mean, I’m not just the guy who was your friend back then. A lot has happened since then. I’m different.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>You are your memories. They are what shapes us. </span>
  </em>
  <span>John’s words came to mind again. He remembered more from his time with HYDRA and certainly the time since he left them, than his time with Steve. Maybe eventually that wouldn’t be the case, but even then, he would never be </span>
  <em>
    <span>just</span>
  </em>
  <span> Steve’s friend Bucky ever again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The Winter Soldier, what Hydra did to you, that isn’t you, Buck,” Steve said softly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“John said the same thing,” Bucky said, making Steve frown. “And maybe you’re right, but until I get more of the memories back from before then, I don’t know how to be who I was either.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The statement hung in the air, so weighty Bucky could practically see the words. They had gotten a bit off topic, but Bucky wasn’t sure how to bring it back around to John or… Loki, he supposed. It was hard to argue that John wasn’t Loki. They looked exactly… that’s when Bucky remembered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait, the blue eyes, Loki had blue eyes. John’s are green. But you all had this look on your faces like the blue eyes were significant.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah… Tony’s looking into it now, I promise. See, when Loki was here and using the staff, when he took over people’s minds, their eyes went blue.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait, he was brainwashed? And you are punishing him for it?” Bucky was off the couch again, metal fist clenched, ready to punch through whoever or whatever stood between him and John.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve stood right up next to him, holding his shoulder firmly. “Bucky, let me explain. It wasn’t the same. The men he controlled, their eyes, it was completely different. There was no mistaking it for regular blue eyes, like Loki’s looked. It was almost as if their entire eye was frosted over, pupil included. But you’re right, it isn’t something we noticed and that’s why Tony’s looking into it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky sighed. “So this might all be a huge misunderstanding. And maybe this amnesia is a result of his brain getting messed with? That would make sense. I can certainly relate.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Steve grimaced. “I think the issue is how much you can relate; you gotta see how bad that looks, Buck. What we know about Loki, the lying, the chaos, that’s not just from when he was here, that’s from his brother. This isn’t just a case of he did one bad thing here and if we explain that away everything is fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky slumped, but Steve continued undaunted. “We’re not the only ones with skin in the game here, in fact, we aren’t really the main ones. After New York, Thor took Loki home to Asgard to be punished, not just for what he did here, but stuff he did there before he even got to Earth.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did he do?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I actually don’t know, there wasn’t much time to go over it all while we were fighting him, and afterwards Thor had to get out quick to keep the Tesseract from SHIELD or really, HYDRA.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky frowned. This all just felt too rushed. There were a lot of accusations and not a lot of details and some small part of him that still believed that life should be fair just couldn’t accept that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So what-” Bucky started, only to be interrupted by the british voice in the ceiling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Excuse me Captain, Sergeant Barnes, Sir would like me to direct you to the screen, it seems that, in his words, we’re finally getting somewhere with the slick bastard.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Both Bucky and Steve chuckled at the words that so clearly didn’t fit the accent. They looked awkwardly at one another for a moment before turning their attention to the screen. It came to life showing a white room with three people. John was obvious, he was the only one currently sitting. The chain between his fancy cuffs wasn’t there anymore and instead they were affixed to the chair somehow. His legs were bound too. Bucky’s heart wrenched. John didn’t like to be confined. He freaked out just getting stuck in a too tight sweater while trying it on. The resulting panic attack had been a bit embarrassing, considering they had been in a store at the time, but Bucky hadn’t exactly minded the excuse to run his fingers through that dark hair soothingly, holding the other man close. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shit, he was so gone on the man who might not be anything that he thought. Could someone really be </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> good of an actor? </span>
  <em>
    <span>That</span>
  </em>
  <span> good of a liar? Though, Bucky supposed if you were the actual god of something that might track. Still, in his heart of hearts he couldn’t quite believe it. Then again…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The camera seemed to understand Bucky’s desire and focused in on the bound man’s face. The face didn’t look like anything he had seen from John at all. It reminded Bucky a lot more of Loki from the invasion, sans the purple bruises under the eyes. He was sneering at the two people in the room with him in clear disgust. Bucky wondered what they could have done to make him look like that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Who is that in there with him?” Bucky asked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s Thor,” Steve said, pointing to the large blonde main. Loki’s brother then. Odd, since they looked absolutely nothing alike. In fact, Bucky would be hard-pressed to find a single detail where they didn’t look the opposite. “She’s Queen Frigga, their mom.” The woman, who currently had her face in her hands, bore much more of a resemblance to Thor, though he supposed her slight build might have been something in common with Loki. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As quickly as Bucky had turned her focus to her, she went rushing out of the room, her face coldly blank in a way that felt all too familiar. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did you do to her?” Thor practically roared at the man in the chair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The man just smirked at his brother, and that was a knife in the ribs for Bucky, because he knew that smirk. He knew that look better than he knew his own expressions. That was textbook John and the last little hope that Bucky had that it was all a misunderstanding, all a big mistake, was gone in an instant, taking all the breath in his lungs with it. He collapsed heavily on the couch and Steve was right there at his side, big blue eyes open wide in concern. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky waved off Steve’s questioning, focused instead on what was happening in that room. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If she wanted to poke around in my mind, she should be prepared to see things that she doesn’t like,” John, no, Loki jeered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you drop the ruse,” Thor growled</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I wasn’t exactly going to allow you to keep me here, was I?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you are going to try to leave? What about Barnes?” Thor prodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For a moment, the sneer flickered on Loki’s face, but it was back so quickly, Bucky wondered if he had imagined it. “What about him? The Captain won't allow any harm to come to his dear old friend. Luckily, he has already served his purpose.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is this what you hoped to accomplish?” Thor shot back, gesturing to Loki’s bound hands.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki’s face melted into a more lazy smile. “I do love a good bondage scene. Of course, I’d prefer Barnes’s participation to yours, but sometimes we can’t be picky.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thor’s face went red and he spluttered, Bucky wasn’t sure whether it was anger or embarrassment. For his part, he couldn’t help but chuckle a bit, unfortunately receiving a shocked look from Steve. Yeah, that was going to be a fun conversation. Hey Steve, I kind of never mentioned this before because you know, I’d get arrested if I acted on it, but I like guys. He had been lucky he liked girls as well, back then. He had resigned himself to never acting on it, but that fortunately hadn’t meant he’d had to go completely without companionship. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are there no depths that you will not delve?” Thor gasped. For a moment, Bucky thought he was going to go on a homophobic tirade but, “I’m your brother!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Adopted,” Loki put in gleefully. Which definitely answered quite a lot of questions. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still, Thor’s frown was impressive and did not waver in the slightest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Loki rolled his eyes, “Oh don’t worry, I couldn’t possibly ever think of you that way.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thor’s expression relaxed into a relieved look until he frowned, clearly wondering if he was being insulted. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anyhow, this is getting a bit dull. It’s been nice catching up. Maybe we can do it again in a century or two?” With a twiddle of his fingers and some green glimmers in the air, Loki vanished.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Both Bucky and Steve startled, looking behind them to see Tony with his face in his palm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How did he get out of those cuffs? Thor said they were magic proof!” Steve asked Tony.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They both seemed very concerned. Bucky supposed he probably should be as well, but mostly he was just… numb. No John; he had never even truly existed in the first place. He was just… alone. Not entirely, he thought, looking over at Steve. But there was a big difference between reuniting with a friend you barely remembered and being with the man you loved. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky only paid half attention as Tony and Steve talked. Apparently Queen Frigga did magic, like Loki. She had looked into his mind to determine if he was faking the amnesia and couldn’t find a single memory block. It was then that Loki had dropped his act and started acting like himself again, which was when Tony directed them to start watching the feed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Steve, is there somewhere I can stay the night? I can take this couch if it isn’t too much trouble?” Bucky asked, interrupting the flow of conversation. He couldn’t take it anymore.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony laughed. “You don’t need to settle for a couch, Buckaroo. You have an entire floor all set up and waiting for ya, just one below Cap’s so you’ll be close. We’ve been searching for you for quite a while, so I took the liberty.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.” Bucky couldn’t think of what to say. He was shocked and surprisingly touched by the gesture. Tony Stark hadn’t struck him as a particularly thoughtful guy, but this would definitely indicate otherwise. “Thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony grinned and waved the gratitude away. Bucky was definitely going to have to work harder to peg a person like Tony. It suddenly occurred to him that he’d have the time. Not just to get to know Tony, but all the Avengers. Steve too, at least again. It was a nice thought. They had definitely been wary, but that had been more for John than him, he suspected. He could actually belong here. It wasn’t quite what he’d had in mind strolling the Tower Bridge just that morning, but it was something.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Don’t Know What Your Asking For</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>For those of you worried about Loki taking off...</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Old habits die hard. Bucky knew that the Tower he was sleeping in had probably the most state of the art security available, but he still slept with a gun under his pillow. So when he felt a pressure on the bed, he had the muzzle immediately pointed at the intruder's forehead.</p>
<p>“I come in peace,” Loki said, hands up in surrender.</p>
<p>“Ha,” Bucky returned; however, he didn’t lower the gun. “Would this even hurt you?”</p>
<p>“I’d rather not deal with the headache,” Loki admitted. </p>
<p>Bucky snorted, but finally put the gun down. “What are you doing here?”</p>
<p>“I thought I might owe you an explanation, you must have heard that I had left.”</p>
<p>Left. What a bland euphemism. “Yes, but you didn’t have to explain it to me. You escaped your enemies. I have amnesia; I’m not stupid.”</p>
<p>“No, of course you aren’t,” Loki said softly looking down. </p>
<p>“I’m just glad that I could be of some use,” Bucky said. He meant it to come out flippant, but it sounded more bitter.</p>
<p>“Ah, you heard that.” Loki didn’t look up. Apparently his fingers in his lap were suddenly the most fascinating thing.</p>
<p>“Yeah, Stark has some pretty nifty tech. Kind of stuff I used to read about in sci-fi comics growing up. The kind of stuff his dad used to dream about.” Bucky frowned. He had known Tony’s father; that was new information. He wondered what happened to the man briefly before realizing that this line of thinking wasn’t pertinent to what was going on.</p>
<p>“Bucky.”</p>
<p>He just managed to stifle a groan. He had heard his name spoken that way so many times. When John wanted to get tea instead of ice cream, for example. On the one hand it was wheedling, but with this undertone of command that suddenly all made sense now that Bucky knew he was a prince. </p>
<p>It was so hard not to grin and give in, but he stayed firm. This was the man who had betrayed him, who had used him most likely in an attempt to hurt the only friend he still had in this world. Bucky could practically feel his heart hardening. Yes, that would do. </p>
<p>“You know I’m the God of Lies, right?” Loki asked.</p>
<p>“Yes, but when you tell several different stories, it’s hard to tell which, if any, are true. I’ll give you that. You are a good liar.” </p>
<p>“Well, a good rule of thumb is that anything I say to Thor is most likely a lie.” Loki smirked, but when he saw Bucky’s face hadn’t cracked an inch, he sobered again. “But I want you to know the truth.” </p>
<p>“I, Loki Laufeyson,” the look on his face told Bucky the name was significant. Which made sense since his brother’s name, Bucky had learned, was Thor Odinson, but there was that whole adopted thing. Still, how would he know any other name to go by? “Vow by my power to tell the full truth to James ‘Bucky’ Barnes for the period of this night’s conversation.” </p>
<p>“I probably would have just believed you, no fancy vows required.” Bucky admitted. Maybe he had been stretching things when he said he wasn’t stupid. Being a sap was practically the same thing.</p>
<p>“That would have been foolish.”</p>
<p>“John was always straight with me,” Bucky said, maybe a bit petulantly.</p>
<p>“John was… not me,” Loki confessed, he seemed sad about it though. </p>
<p>Hardened heart, Bucky reminded himself. “So it was all a lie. Just like you said to Thor.”</p>
<p>“No, everything we shared was the truth.” Loki looked anxious for him to believe the words. He certainly wanted to but…</p>
<p>“All except for the fact that you really knew that you were an alien who once tried to conquer Earth,” Bucky muttered.</p>
<p>“I truly didn’t,” Loki said, making the most intense eye contact. Bucky could tell Loki was trying to will him into believing, but...</p>
<p>“Your mom said-”</p>
<p>“Yes, well Frigga may be the one who taught me, but she doesn’t know everything. She said that my memories were intact, yes?” Bucky nodded. “That’s because the process of her entering my mind in order to determine the truth was what restored them. I was not about to allow someone else to mess with my mind once again.”</p>
<p>“Wait… are you trying to say, you were the one who wiped your memories?” That… was something Bucky hadn’t even considered. Who could possibly do that to themselves? Then Bucky thought through what he might like to forget, now that they were coming to him. Someone who had a lot that they didn’t want to remember, and not enough good to balance it out. Hardened heart, Bucky, he reminded himself. </p>
<p>“Yes, I wiped my memories. I also did something of a glamour. It didn’t make me human completely, but it gave every appearance of it, and with my memories gone I had no way to tap into my magic. So for all intents and purposes, I was John. But when Frigga entered my mind she triggered a safeguard I had put in. If anyone were to attempt that or to harm me beyond a certain point, the memories would return and my glamour would fall so I could defend myself.” </p>
<p>Loki looked down at his hands, right one picking at the left anxiously. Just like John always used to do. Bucky knew he was wavering. This fit; it fit in a way that meant that the time he spent with Loki was completely honest. He wanted it so badly that it was hard to trust it. </p>
<p>“What about what you said to Thor? That I had served my purpose?”</p>
<p>“I lied, of course. I knew they would never believe that I had voluntarily given up my own memories and then just as suddenly retained them again. It was too convenient for their purposes.  I told Thor that because I was concerned that they would distrust you due to your association with me. I wanted to make sure that you were happy here.” </p>
<p>The earnest, slightly pleading look on Loki’s face was enough. Bucky believed him. It all just made too much sense, despite the fact that he understood why the Avengers didn’t believe. They didn’t have months worth of memories to go off of. This was so much more than he could have hoped. He may not have John back, exactly, but he had everything he loved about the man and more. He could get to know Loki, what made him tick. They could share memories and experiences. Instinctively, Bucky leaned forward, wanting to press his lips against Loki’s in a kiss of relief and joy, but Loki leaned back with a pained look on his face.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Loki said, and he certainly looked it. </p>
<p>“Oh, yeah, I guess I didn’t think that you might not feel the same, now that you have your memories and everything.” Bucky felt like an idiot. Loki was a god, a prince. Bucky was a mortal, and a broken one at that. How could Loki possibly feel the same way John had? It had taken someone just as broken as Bucky to possibly be able to care for him that way. There was no way Bucky would be able to find that again. Tears prickled at Bucky’s eyes, but he fought not to let the tears fall. He’d embarrassed himself enough for one night. </p>
<p>“No! I…” Loki grabbed onto Bucky’s metal hand and held it tight. The gesture should have been comforting, but just brought more, now painful memories. John had taken the prosthetic in stride. He had been intrigued, but never frightened. After he realized even positive attention had made Bucky uncomfortable, he had acted as if it didn’t exist, as if Bucky had two completely normal arms. Had taken one hand in his just as easily as the other. Still, even with the hurt, Bucky couldn’t bring himself to pull his hand away. </p>
<p>“My feelings haven’t changed, not in the slightest.” At Bucky’s protesting face, Loki held up his other hand. “But I have. You know I cannot stay with you.”</p>
<p>“Then we’ll go. I can try to contact Steve later. Start to try to convince him while we’re safe elsewhere. It will be fine; I don’t need him, not like I need you.” Bucky hated that he sounded like he was begging, but he couldn’t help it. </p>
<p>“I want to; you don’t know how much, but I’m not the right person for you.”</p>
<p>“Well sure, the god thing is a bit crazy and Prince is certainly way out of my league but-”</p>
<p>Loki actually chuckled a bit. “This isn’t a matter of you not being good enough for me. I’ve left all that behind. I’m not good for you. I’m not a good man. I’ve done… terrible things.” Loki practically choked on the last words.</p>
<p>“But… the New York invasion, you were brainwashed weren’t you? The blue eyes…”</p>
<p>Loki scoffed. “I wasn’t brainwashed. I was… let’s say, strongly incentivized. The Mind Stone took away everything, love and despair, and left only rage and hate. It was easy enough at that point to persuade me to take over Earth when I knew how much it would hurt Thor.”</p>
<p>“Even then, he took away your choice. He had to resort to messing with your mind to get to you to attack.”</p>
<p>“Don’t make it out to be some noble act. The only reason he resorted to such measures is he had no leverage against me. All he could do was threaten me with death, and since that’s what I wanted in the first place, it wasn’t much of a deterrent.” Loki laughed bitterly and Bucky shivered.</p>
<p>“You wanted…?” He croaked. Not that he couldn’t understand that, getting to that place. He couldn’t say he’d never considered it. Fortunately, he had never gotten low enough to truly plan suicide. </p>
<p>“Ah, yes, well, that ties in to the other terrible things I’ve done. Ones that you cannot blame on Thanos or the Mind Stone.” Loki went back to picking at his hand again. Bucky wanted to take the hand in his own and squeeze it, show his support, but he figured the gesture probably wouldn't go over well. </p>
<p>“I’ve never claimed to be a good person. I’ve done things that I didn’t like, for my father, my king, for Asgard. Those, of course, were distasteful, but acceptable when done in the name of Odin. No, if you were to ask Thor where I went wrong, he would tell you it was when I let the Frost Giants into Asgard to stop his coronation. He would tell you I did it because I was jealous. When really, like every other distasteful deed I had done, it was for the good of the realm. Everyone needed to see that Thor was a hothead that wasn’t ready for the throne. He then proved my point quite handily in storming Jotunheim, the land of the Frost Giants, our most bitter enemies and starting a war. He was banished to Earth for the action, which I’ll admit, I hadn’t anticipated; Odin had never strongly punished Thor in his life.”</p>
<p>During the story, Loki had been looking down, not making any eye contact, but now he seemed to curl in on himself, as if he could hide that long, lanky body somehow.</p>
<p>“In the process of trying to fight our way back from Jotunheim, a Frost Giant grabbed me. Their touch is so cold it burns. You could lose an arm after just a few seconds. I felt nothing more than a lightly cool touch, but my skin turned blue, with these odd scars.” Loki paused there, peeking up at Bucky as if expecting a reaction. He frowned a moment before he laughed. </p>
<p>“Of course, you have no idea what Frost Giants look like. They’re blue, with scarlike swirls all over their body. Odin caught me confirming it by holding one of the relics stolen from the Frost Giants. I was adopted; not just that I was one of Asgard’s most feared, most hated enemies. When I confronted Odin he collapsed, hiding behind the Odinsleep. With Thor gone that made me the acting king. I had one goal, one single driving force: to prove to Odin I was a true and worthy son.”</p>
<p>Loki sighed as if the weight of the world was on him. Suddenly, Bucky had a thought. These were the events that led to him wanting to die. Which had led right into the invasion and him escaping punishment and causing his own amnesia. Loki had never told this to anyone before. No one knew the true story behind Loki’s actions. Except now Bucky would. This was true vulnerability and Bucky felt honored beyond all measure. He had no idea what he would do with the information, but he would keep it close to his heart, no matter what happened. </p>
<p>“So I came up with a plan. I tricked the king of Jotunheim into Asgard with the promise I’d help him slay Odin. Then before he could do the deed, I slayed my birth father and then used the Bifrost to destroy all of Jotunheim.”</p>
<p>Bucky blinked. He really wasn’t sure how else he could react other than blinking. It was insanity. Crazy on a level he’d never experienced before. Then again, he supposed this was gods they were dealing with.</p>
<p>“A case might be made that I had gone a bit mad at that point.” Loki said, with a wry sort of self-effacing that made Bucky want to laugh; he didn’t. “A lot from that time is fractured, chaotic. I barely remember fighting Thor. Who apparently just needed to meet a pretty girl to grow a conscience and decide he didn’t want to murder every Frost Giant alive anymore. What I do remember, very clearly, was after Thor broke the bifrost; I was dangling off the edge, with just Odin’s staff in Thor’s hand keeping me from falling. It was like I was coming back to myself as I looked into that black void. Then I looked back up at Odin, at the father I so desperately wanted to prove myself to. In that moment I knew I never would, never could. I was cursed by birth to be the lesser, and nothing would change that.” </p>
<p>It took everything in Bucky not to brush away the tear that trailed down Loki’s cheek. He couldn’t even imagine it. Partly because he couldn’t remember his own father, which was a devastation in itself, but knowing with such certainty that you’d never be loved the way you wished? Loki didn’t need to fill in the next events, but he did anyway.</p>
<p>“I really didn’t see the point in anything anymore. So, I let go. I fell into the nothingness. Those nightmares I had? Not even the strongest magic can wipe away the horror that is the Void. Yet when Thanos plucked me out, all I wanted to do was return to it.”</p>
<p>“Afterwards, after New York, why…?”</p>
<p>“Why didn’t I try to kill myself again? After the Hulk effectively broke the Mind Stone’s influence by beating me to a pulp, I could feel again. I wasn’t completely numb to all but rage and hate like I had been with Thanos. The emotions he had banished returned to me in force along with my own anger. If I just found a different way to kill myself or if I let myself be punished by Asgard, Odin would win. Believe me, it’s not that I don’t believe I deserve to be punished, I do. I just don’t believe Odin has the right to be my punisher. Maybe it was selfish or cowardly, but I felt that wiping my memories, taking away what made me me was a punishment that kept from releasing a monster on your world, but allowed me to escape Asgard as well.”</p>
<p>“And… now?” Bucky almost didn’t want to ask. </p>
<p>“I don’t intend to try to kill myself, if that’s your concern.”</p>
<p>Actually that thought hadn’t occurred to Bucky… until now. Shit, he really didn’t want Loki to leave. He’d worry too much.</p>
<p>“I’ll likely try again, with my memory spell. I’ll probably take the glamour a step further, change my appearance. Maybe this time, since I wont have Captain America’s bestie with me it might actually work.” </p>
<p>Bucky actually snorted at the word ‘bestie’ coming out of the mouth of a Norse god.</p>
<p>“Or, I could tell Steve to pound sand and come with you,” Bucky offered. He would have loved nothing more than the answer to be something to the effect of, yes, please come, I cannot possibly do this without you. But he knew what the answer would be, but he had to put the question out there anyways. </p>
<p>“I still believe in fate, you know,” Loki said, looking out the window at the New York City skyline. Bucky drank in his gorgeous profile, knowing it wouldn’t be long before he’d never see it again. </p>
<p>Bucky was so wrapped up in the view that it took longer than expected to process the non sequitur. “Huh?” </p>
<p>“I know you must think I regret it, I don’t. I’ve always been able to get by. And if it took taking me to London to get you where you belong, it was worth it.” </p>
<p>I belong with you. The words were there in his lips, they just needed to come out. Yet, Loki was just too good at throwing him off balance. He leaned in and kissed Bucky’s forehead. The kiss tingled pleasantly on his skin. Bucky would have much rather had it on his lips, but the gesture was appreciated anyways.</p>
<p>“You deserve to be happy, Bucky. Please do that, even if only for me.” Loki chuckled to himself, pulling away.</p>
<p>Bucky wanted to protest but the world was going soft, his limbs felt heavy. He almost felt like he used to when he’d had a few drinks. Not entirely drunk, just relaxed and maybe a bit sleepy. Yes, sleep sounded nice. He’d do that. It would be nicer if John would finally just sleep in the same bed with him though.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Everybody’s in the Back Room Spinning Up</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The only explanation I have for this chapter is Tony does what he wants. He was just supposed to relay info but baulked at being relegated to a side character so expect to see more of him while Loki is unfortunately MIA</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Bucky woke up, it took him a moment to determine what was wrong. It was that he hadn’t awoken to the scent of coffee. How long had it been since that was the case? Was John… his brain stuttered. No John. He was at the Avengers tower. He got heavily out of the mattress. It was far too soft for his taste, but maybe Stark would be willing to fix that? He seemed to want to be helpful.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, the poor support had aggravated his shoulder. The metal arm pulled at it mercilessly as it was, but this was far worse. And, of course, he hadn’t been able to find any over the counter medication in any quantity that could do anything for him. </p>
<p>Altogether, it was the most grumbly morning Bucky could remember in a long time. He blamed Steve; he blamed Loki; he blamed stupid Asgard. And now he had to go all the way to the main common floor to get a damn cup of coffee.</p>
<p>Apparently breakfast together was an Avengers thing because six faces turned to him when he stepped off the floor. Bucky shot them what John would call his ‘murder eyes’. It probably wouldn’t help his acceptance here, but he couldn’t help it. He hadn’t had coffee.</p>
<p>Then again, no one here was any less dangerous than Bucky in their own way, so it didn’t surprise him when not a single person looked the slightest bit phased by a look that had once made a grown man cry when Bucky shot it at him for taking the last piece of baklava that John had wanted. </p>
<p>“That looks like a man who needs some coffee,” Tony said cheerily. “How do you take it, Starbucks?”</p>
<p>Bucky grunted and just tilted his chin at the pot. Tony practically danced over to the coffee pot, bobbing along to some beat only he could hear. Bucky frowned at Steve who was also looking concerned at Tony.</p>
<p>“Tony, how much coffee have you had?” Bruce asked warily.</p>
<p>“Since when?” Tony asked, handing Bucky his coffee. </p>
<p>Bucky allowed the people who actually knew Tony to deal with this. He needed caffeine. </p>
<p>“Since you woke up,” Bruce continued.</p>
<p>“Oh!” Tony squinted in concentration. “Twenty-something?”</p>
<p>“Twenty!?! What time did you wake up?” Steve asked aghast.</p>
<p>“8am, I think?” </p>
<p>They all looked at the large clock at the wall showing that it was seven-thirty. There was a large group sigh and Bucky just had to chuckle.</p>
<p>“Tony, go to bed,” Clint said with a half-laugh himself. </p>
<p>“Why would I go to bed? That’s what coffee is for!” Tony snickered, taking another sip from his mug. Bruce snatched it right out of his grasp.</p>
<p>Tony hissed like a cat and then made pathetic grabby hands, but no actual attempt at getting the mug back. Now Bucky really laughed. Unfortunately, the attention of the group then turned from Tony to him.</p>
<p>“Oh wait, that’s why I’m up. I was looking into the Loki thing and had to wait for Sleeping Beauty here so I could share my news,” Tony said, snapping his fingers.</p>
<p>“You can share your news in a few hours, Tony. After you get some sleep,” Steve said, shaking his head but still smiling fondly. Bucky got the impression this wasn’t an entirely irregular occurrence.</p>
<p>“You guys are party poopers. Thor, color of Loki’s eyes?” Tony asked.</p>
<p>Clint rolled his eyes. “I thought we’d been over this?”</p>
<p>“Science,” was all Tony responded. “Thor?” </p>
<p>“Green. Why?” Bucky realized Thor had not been party to their eye color revelation in the Quinjet. Not that it really mattered to Bucky, he knew he’d gotten the real story from Loki the previous night. </p>
<p>“JARVIS, video me, bro.” Tony commanded.</p>
<p>“Sir, per your last orders, I am to ensure you are put to bed if you ever are so far gone as to call me ‘bro’ again.” The voice in the ceiling responded.</p>
<p>“What? That doesn’t sound like me,” Tony waved the comment off. “I promise I’ll go to bed after you show the video.”</p>
<p>A screen opened up on what had appeared to be the far wall. It was the same place as the other video they had shown Bucky, but now Loki was holding Tony up by his neck.</p>
<p>“Yeah, thanks for showing the most painful part, Jarvis.”</p>
<p>“It was the closest facial view available, sir, and I would have thought the most painful part would be the defenestration.”</p>
<p>“Defenes- what now?” Clint asked the question Bucky had hoped that he wasn’t the only one thinking.</p>
<p>“The act of throwing someone out a window. Aren’t words fun?” Tony responded. “Thor, what do you have to say now?”</p>
<p>Tony gestured to a close up shot of Loki with some icy baby-blues.</p>
<p>“I had not seen,” Thor started. “I don’t know how I could not have noticed my own brother’s eye color had changed.”</p>
<p>“You were a bit preoccupied with the whole him trying to kill us thing.” Clint pointed out before turning to Tony. “Maybe it was a trick, something to lend doubt and give him a defense?”</p>
<p>“Then why would he not have attempted to use it when he was brought to Asgard?” Thor countered.</p>
<p>“My thoughts exactly. Jarvis?” </p>
<p>The video skipped forward until Tony was gone. Loki left and fell back into the shot a bit later, followed by the Hulk. Loki screamed at the giant, which seemed ill advised. Bucky was proved correct seconds later as Hulk provided the beating Loki had told him about the night before. It was even more brutal than Bucky could have imagined. Apparently, despite their feelings for Loki, the other Avengers agreed as all, with the exception of Thor and Natasha winced. When Loki lay unmoving, the Hulk walked off and the camera froze on Loki opening his eyes. Green. The very green Bucky knew so well.</p>
<p>“Cognitive recalibration. Damn it, he was being affected by the mind stone.” Natasha said softly.</p>
<p>It got quiet, everyone apparently lost in their own thoughts.</p>
<p>“Eh? How good am I?” Tony finally said after a while. Bucky chuckled at the slightly wild look in the mans eyes.</p>
<p>“Good work, Tony. Now go to bed. Not much we can do about this now.” Steve responded.</p>
<p>Tony actually stuck his tongue out at them but he walked to the elevator anyway. </p>
<p>“I have much to think upon. I’ll be in my quarters if I am needed,” Thor said heavily, following Tony to the elevator.</p>
<p>Clint finished up the food on his plate. “Yeah, I feel the sudden need to beat someone up. Natasha?”</p>
<p>“You’re welcome to try,” she responded with a small smile and they too were heading out, leaving Bucky and Steve alone together. He had the sudden feeling that he had been set up.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. I am Flesh and I am Bone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Pancakes?” Steve asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky grinned and nodded, a bit comforted by the fact that Steve seemed as awkward as he felt. Still, as Steve turned to focus on making breakfast it grew quiet. The tenseness of the situation reminded him of the ache in his shoulder and he tried rolling it a few times to loosen up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your shoulder all right?” Steve asked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s fine,” Bucky dismissed with a wave of his hand. At a stubborn look, he reluctantly continued. “It always tugs, but I think the bed was a bit too soft or something. Wrenched it last night.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You should talk to Tony about it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, sure. Man puts up a murderous stranger and you want me to complain about soft beds,” Bucky laughed bitterly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not a murderer,” Steve responded automatically. “But I was more talking about the arm. Tony’s pretty handy with… well anything mechanical or electronic. I’m sure he’d love to get his hands on that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky grunted and hoped that sounded like an affirmative, or at least a maybe. He honestly wasn’t sure if he was prepared to have a talk with someone like Tony. It had been so long since he’d had a real conversation with anyone but John. He’d only really managed that so well initially because it had felt like they were on the same level. Tony Stark with his science-fiction-esque armor and money was perhaps even harder to try to relate to than Steve Rogers, and he could barely manage a conversation with the man in front of him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky didn’t know what else to do so or say so he just watched Steve as he continued to make breakfast. Quickly he became frustrated by the other man’s cooking methods. It didn’t take more than a minute or two before he was getting out of his seat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Move over,” he ordered brusquely. He then started assembling a new batter from scratch, grabbing ingredients instinctively. He was slowed down a little bit as he had to search out the spice cabinet, but once he found it, he grabbed cinnamon, nutmeg and ground, dried orange rind to add to the batter. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Buck,” Steve whispered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky turned around to stare at the man who was now looking at him in awe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s your mom’s recipe,” Steve said. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Just like that the word ‘mom’ conjured a clear mental picture. A woman with brown hair and blue eyes wearing a pink dress and crisp white apron puttering around in the kitchen. Winnifred Barnes. His mother. It was like a damn breaking. An image of a tall, dark-haired man with grey eyes joined his mother. His father, George Barnes. Then a little girl, the spitting image of his mother in a yellow sundress, Becca, his sister. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then there was Steve, Steve as he had been, so small and frail that anyone with half a brain cell would have kept to their limits, but not Steve. He couldn’t let even the smallest of injustice stand and Bucky could never let him stand alone. Then Steve, looking as he did now, showing up at Azzano like something out of a comic book, answering a hope that Bucky hadn’t known he had left at the time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I remember,” Bucky said faintly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Obviously! That’s fantastic Buck! I knew it would all start to come back to you, it just takes time,” Steve said with a grin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Steve didn’t understand. He remembered everything. He scanned through his memories, elementary school, high school, joining the army, basic, Azzano, he shuddered at those memories. It was too perfect, too precise, it had to be magic. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It had to be Loki. Bucky remembered the tickling feeling of the man’s kiss. He had thought that Loki was just putting him to sleep so he could escape; why had he done more? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tears prickled in Bucky’s eyes. The memories in themselves were overwhelming and beautiful, but the evidence that Loki really did care, possibly even as much as Bucky did. That he would do something like this for Bucky, knowing he’d get nothing in return. It was just as precious to him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knew that it would come to nothing. If Loki didn’t want to be found, with his magic it wouldn’t happen. He was probably some other person by now, looking completely different with no memory of Bucky or of anything. Bucky’s heart ached, the moment turning bitter-sweet. But turning to look at Steve, at a face that had been dear to him since as long as he could remember, which was now much further back, seeing the hope and joy that he hadn’t seen in so long, it was still sweet. He could find a place, find a purpose, but he resolved to never forget about Loki.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>*************************************************************************************************************</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After catching up with Steve and eating some very delicious pancakes, if he did say so himself, Bucky finally worked himself up to talk to Tony Stark. His shoulder hadn’t gotten any better and the idea of a cessation of the pain was enough for him to fight through the awkwardness. JARVIS told him that Stark was now up and in his workshop and wouldn’t mind the interruption. However, Bucky decided to play it safe and bring some coffee as well to generate some goodwill.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky walked into the lab, mug in hand and was startled by the music blasting, that he couldn’t hear from just outside. Soundproof glass, it seemed. Tony spotted him immediately, though, and ordered the music down to a bearable level.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey Frosty, to what do I owe the - ooh coffee! For me?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky nodded and handed Stark the coffee. He took a massive gulp of the stuff, apparently unhindered by the heat. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ok, consider me officially buttered up, what do you need?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, well, I mean, I was also trying to be friendly, but, my arm is kind of bugging me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hell yes!” Tony pumped his fist. “I mean shit, sorry it’s hurting, but I’ve been dying to get my hands on that thing since I first saw it. May I?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony led him over to a bench and Bucky sat as Tony bustled around grabbing various tools. The workshop was an absolute disaster area with items strewn everywhere, but Tony seemed to know exactly where everything was. Bucky watched bemused as Tony puttered around and then finally seemed to collect everything he needed and started taking the plates off of the arm to reveal the inner mechanism. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once again, Bucky was hit by the awkwardness of the silence and felt the need to fill it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“All this technology feels like the old science fiction books I used to read,” Bucky said and Tony chuckled, not looking up from his arm. “Kinda reminds me of your dad, actually, all that crazy stuff at the World Exposition of Tomorrow. I met him, actually, later on, did you know?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony snorted and looked up at Bucky. “Did I know that my dad knew Captain America and the Howling Commandos? No, he definitely didn’t mention it at every possible opportunity.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The bitter tone in Tony’s voice told Bucky this was quite the touchy subject. “Sorry.” He mumbled, even if he wasn’t 100% sure for what. Bringing it up, he supposed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not your fault my dad was a braggart. I’m over it.” Tony smiled, which relieved Bucky, but obviously his one attempt at finding common ground failed miserably and so now they were back to silence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can’t lie, it did make things awkward with Cap at first. I was, kind of a dick when we first met.” Tony said after a moment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, and I’m sure Steve didn’t give as good as he got.” Bucky could just picture it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know Steve,” Tony said, then seemed to think about it. “I mean, a little? You sound like you knew him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Bucky said, not sure how much he should reveal considering the source of the memories. “It’s starting to come back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony hummed his acknowledgement while pulling off the last of the plates from Bucky’s arm. He had Bucky move it a bit so he could watch the mechanism work before seeming to nail down what he was looking for. He hummed a bit as he continued to work, some tune that Bucky didn’t recognize, no big surprise, but it was soothing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You saw Loki; talked to him, huh?” Tony asked suddenly, looking up briefly from Bucky’s arm to make eye contact.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I mean, I didn’t know he was Loki, obviously, but he lived with me for a few months and all.” Bucky wasn’t sure where Tony was going with this, but once again he was very uncomfortable.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I mean since then. Loki came back and talked to you,” Tony said with complete certainty, his brown eyes practically drilling into Bucky’s grey ones.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How did you know?” Bucky asked after a few moments of silence when Tony hadn’t backed down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“When I was talking to the team about what I found out with Loki. You didn’t look at all interested or surprised or really anything. Before, when Thor was talking to him, we could barely keep you away. And yeah, you could chalk that up to the fact that he obviously lied and betrayed you, but even then I figured you would have shown some reaction, even if it was a bad one. So, you already knew the story that you were going to believe.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony was definitely more perceptive than anyone gave him credit for. He always looked like he was in his own world, hyperfocused on whatever he was working on. But he had noticed and read Bucky’s reactions better than his own best friend. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, he came and explained himself,” Bucky admitted. And then magically gave Bucky the rest of his remaining memories. “But you don’t have to worry, he’s gone for good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I figured. He did more than that right? Suddenly you’re remembering stuff? Seemed too much of a coincidence.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fuck. “Ummm, yeah, I think he helped return my memories. The good ones at least.” Bucky was relieved to find out he didn’t remember any more of his time with Hydra. He really didn’t need more bad than was already rattling around in his head. “I don’t think there’s anything to worry about.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It must have been good, his explanation I mean…” Tony trailed off. “You seem pretty certain of him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky could see what he was going, he wasn’t exactly being subtle about it. “I’m not telling you what he told me. I won’t go behind his back like that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony squinted at him before sighing. “Fine. Honestly, based on my findings and your reactions alone, I don’t figure we have much to worry about from Loki. Asgard, maybe, but not Earth.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really?” Bucky asked, shocked that a scientist could leave something be like that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, I’ve been spectacularly wrong in the past; I’m a genius, but I’m not infallible. But sure, and it’s not like there's much we can do about him anyways. So we’ll just set that bridge on fire when we come to it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m pretty sure that’s not the saying,” Bucky replied bemusedly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Trust me, if I’m involved it is.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky had no real way to express his appreciation at how Tony left it, so he just smiled at Tony and stayed quiet while Tony continued taking off pieces of the arm and digging into the mechanics. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, what I really want to know is if you ever got a chance to tap that?” Tony asked after the long silence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Bucky spluttered. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh come on, he’s hot, in the dangerous, crazy kind of way, that I’m unfortunately attracted to.” Tony snickered. “Even if I hadn’t seen the soppy looks you gave him, there really wasn’t anything ambiguous about that kiss on the bridge.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You saw that?” Bucky asked and got raised eyebrows in response. “Did Steve…?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nah, he was too busy rushing in to save the day. Also, pretty sure he missed the lovelorn looks too. He’s a bit on the oblivious side.” Tony rolled his eyes, but seemed mostly fond when he said it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wait… you…him?” Bucky wasn’t really sure how to ask and still didn’t know Tony quite well enough to be sure he wouldn’t be offended. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Tony laughed easily. “Not in the slightest! Not that he wasn’t teenage Tony’s wet dream, but we’d tear each other apart in seconds. Plus I’m pretty sure he doesn’t swing that way.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And you do?” Bucky prodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The term is pansexual. I like to have fun and get off with pretty people, doesn’t matter to me what their bits are. What about you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve never really thought about it that way. I’ve only ever been with women, and I very much enjoy that, but yeah, I’ve always liked men as well. Not a lot of time for exploration.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, especially not back then, but hey, lots of time for it now!” Tony said cheerily. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Bucky agreed, not quite able to meet Tony’s level of excitement at the idea. He just needed time, he knew he’d get over Loki eventually. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know, Steve knows about my proclivities. He’s never seemed to have a problem with it. I doubt he’d have an issue with you either.” Tony had obviously misread Bucky’s darker tone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I appreciate that, thanks Tony.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Anytime, hot stuff,” Tony winked at him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky spluttered and was sure he was blushing. “Oh, Tony. I’m… I don’t think I’m ready…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit, no, I mean, obviously. Ignore me, I flirt about as easily asI breath. I don’t mean anything by it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky let out a relieved breath. He could now remember that he had once been very much the same. “Of course, I must be out of practice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well feel free to practice on me anytime.” Tony waggled his eyebrows exaggeratedly and Bucky laughed. It was nice to laugh with someone again.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Soooo.... I swear I wasn't trying to set up Winteriron vibes, these guys just started flirting on me. That being said, anyone feeling a WinterIronFrost sequel? Because I've kind of already started planning it.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Do You Walk in the Shadow of Men who Sold Their Lives to a Dream?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky was laying out in the middle of the giant rooftop garden, looking up at the night sky. He was thoroughly enjoying his time in the tower. Cooking with Steve, playing video games with Clint, training with Natasha, and most often, spending time with Tony in his workshop or Tony and Bruce in their lab, marveling over the technology of the future. It was like having a team again, like the very best times with Steve and the Howling Commandos. </p>
<p>He didn’t talk about his time with Hydra and, fortunately, none of them asked. They all had their dark pasts and the team seemed content to leave it at that. He was accepted as one of them. It was far better than he deserved, but he was too selfish to fight it. </p>
<p>But it wasn’t quite perfect. Bucky still missed John. He missed the calm presence the man had provided, he missed the amusing banter; in fact, he missed practically everything about the man. So Bucky would come out on the roof, look up at the night sky and he just knew, wherever Loki was, whoever Loki was, he might just be doing the same. It allowed him to feel connected.</p>
<p>“You remind me very much of my brother, just now.” Thor’s voice came out of nowhere and Bucky startled. The door hadn’t opened, of that he was sure. He was far too used to being on alert to not notice that. The man must have been flying and landed on the roof. </p>
<p>“My apologies, I’m sure you don’t like hearing about him.” Thor must have taken Bucky’s surprise as discomfort at the topic. </p>
<p>There was a raven’s caw somewhere above startling them both. It gave the night air a foreboding feel. Still, Bucky settled back down in his recliner and gave Thor a small, hopefully welcoming, smile when he did the same. </p>
<p>“No, I don’t mind. This reminds me of him too; he used to do this all the time. I wonder if wherever he is now he is looking up at the same sky,” Bucky mused, figuring that he could probably get away with somewhat nicer talk of Loki with Thor than most of the others </p>
<p>“Tis likely. Even when we were children, Loki would sneak out onto his balcony at night to admire the stars. These are, of course, different stars, but looking up at them, I can’t help but feel a bit closer to my brother.”</p>
<p>Bucky hummed noncommittally rather than admit that he had been having very similar thoughts. He had the feeling Thor wasn’t looking for a conversation so much as an outlet. Thor quickly proved him right. </p>
<p>“Loki was the most constant thing in my life. For centuries I had but to look to my side and there he would be. It got so I didn’t need to look, so secure was my knowledge. Finally, I didn’t bother to look. Do you know what else you can always rely upon to follow in your wake whether you notice it or not?” Thor asked then.</p>
<p>Bucky suspected he knew where Thor was going with this. “Your shadow?”</p>
<p>“Indeed. I never knew that was how Loki saw himself; never realized that was how I treated him. He was right, of course. I just discovered it too late.” Thor looked down at his hands, brow furrowed in a way that tugged at Bucky’s heart.</p>
<p>“I mean, I can’t really speak for the guy, but I’m pretty sure that everything that happened wasn’t your fault. Maybe you could have been a better brother, but I doubt you were responsible for everything that happened to make Loki act like he did. I’m sure he still loves you, beneath it all.” </p>
<p>Maybe Bucky was overstepping himself. It’s not like Loki had actually told him any of that, but Bucky wasn’t going to share exactly what Loki <em> had </em>told him, so he was going to tread as close to that line as he dared.</p>
<p>“You are a good man, speaking of Loki so charitably, even after his betrayal.” Thor clapped him on the shoulder. </p>
<p>“No, I’m really not. Thor, I’ve done too many bad things myself-”</p>
<p>“You didn’t have control of yourself or your mind, it certainly isn’t the same. Loki may have been manipulated, but I believe that he still had some control. He was too much my brother in how he spoke.”</p>
<p>That definitely fit with what Loki had said himself. Bucky still wasn’t sure what he thought or how he felt about that. At the end of the day, he supposed it probably didn’t matter. So mostly he just shrugged. </p>
<p>“I don’t believe my brother is evil, I just think he’s lost his way.” Thor looked back up at the sky, Bucky wasn’t going to look any closer at that suspicious wetness to Thor’s eyes. He had enough problems himself to be dealing with an emotional god. </p>
<p>“I think there’s more good than bad when it comes to Loki, but maybe away from everything he’ll find his way.” Bucky offered.</p>
<p>“I’m just afraid that I will never find out if that’s true,” Thor responded. </p>
<p>That brought Bucky down low. Because that was exactly what he was afraid of too. And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. </p>
<p>*************************************************************************************************************</p>
<p>When Steve approached Bucky looking for help finding Loki’s scepter, Bucky felt bad at just how happy he was about it. It wasn’t that he was glad that Hydra had stolen and hidden away a powerful weapon when they had finally revealed themselves from within SHIELD. He had just been getting so damn bored. He loved spending time with the team, but he wasn’t used to being so idle. </p>
<p>The downside, of course, was that he had to actively remember his time with Hydra. Because, while Bucky was definitely helpful in the field, it was no more so than any of the other Avengers. What they really needed help with was locating Hydra bases. </p>
<p>Bucky stifled a shudder as he named off the first base on the list. The place where they kept the chair. The site of some of his absolute worst memories. It was where he went to be wiped. When he got there it was often after enough time out that he had just started to be able to grab parts of himself, come back to some bits of who he was. Then they would put him in the chair and the pain would wipe it all clean again. </p>
<p>As they approached Ideal Federal Savings Bank, Steve started ordering positions. Hawkeye was to post up on an adjacent building with Thor as his eyes in the sky and Widow at the door. Iron Man and Bucky were to accompany him inside. Bucky was going to go, that’s why he was here after all, but he froze at the door, unable to make himself go in. </p>
<p>“Buck, what’s up?” Steve asked, when Bucky wouldn’t go in ahead. </p>
<p>Bucky just shook his head, he couldn’t manage to get a word out. </p>
<p>Tony raised his visor and eyed Bucky warily. “Cap, there’s no time, they’ll know we’re here any second. You and I got this, Bucky can help Nat.”</p>
<p>Bucky shot a thankful look to Tony who winked at him before lowering the visor again and heading inside with Steve. </p>
<p>Bucky was fairly sure Nat and he didn’t have it much easier than the two inside, you couldn’t get tanks inside a bank afterall, but he still worried the entire time. If something happened to either of them because he was too chicken-shit to enter, he didn’t know what he’d do with himself. </p>
<p>“Caw caw, motherfucker; get out of the damn way!” Bucky looked up at Clint’s perch. </p>
<p>“What’s up? Where do you need us?” Natasha asked. </p>
<p>“Nowhere, I need this damn bird to get out of my sight paths.” Clint growled and Nat and Bucky chuckled. Thank god for Clint’s ability to lighten the tension of a situation. </p>
<p>Still, Bucky only breathed again when Tony and Steve came out alive, unfortunately without the scepter. </p>
<p>Later that night, when he couldn’t sleep from too many memories filling his head and then being washed out in a flash of white hot pain, Bucky ran into Tony on the common floor where he had hoped to fill his brain with mindless television. Tony was nursing a scotch and looking beat.</p>
<p>“Hey Buckaroo,” he said when he spotted Bucky, managing a bit of a smile. “Can’t sleep?”</p>
<p>Bucky shook his head and then steeled himself. “I’m sorry. I could have gotten you two hurt, freezing like that.”</p>
<p>“No worries, popsicle. PTSD is all part and parcel of the hero gig.”</p>
<p>Bucky supposed there was probably a truth to that, but it didn’t make him feel any better. </p>
<p>“I saw in there… there was a chair-thing. They put you in there?” Tony asked finally. </p>
<p>Bucky just nodded. </p>
<p>“Fuckers,” Tony cursed. “There going to be more of those things wherever else you take us?”</p>
<p>“There’s another chair,” Bucky admitted. “And… other things.”</p>
<p>“You might want to give Steve a heads up,” Tony said. Bucky flinched at the thought. “Or, I can, if you’d like. But we’d need to know which ones, just so we know who to put where. No one’s going to make you face anything you don’t want to.”</p>
<p>“No, I’ll talk to him, but thanks. I just… I’m not looking forward to it.”</p>
<p>Steve took it all pretty much exactly as Bucky expected. He was understanding and accommodating, too accommodating really; he was ready to take Bucky off the mission altogether, which was really not what Bucky wanted. He just didn’t want them to get into a situation where someone wasn’t safe because of Bucky’s reactions. He couldn’t bear it if he was responsible for any more deaths. </p>
<p>But, of course, once the can of worms was opened, stuffing it back in was too difficult. Steve was going on and on about how Bucky needed to think of himself first and about how mental health was just as important as physical health and Bucky really just needed to change the subject. </p>
<p>“I like guys,” Bucky blurted. Before he could see Steve’s reaction, he banged his head down on the counter. Smooth, Barnes, very smooth. </p>
<p>“Hey Bucky, don’t worry, the guys all like you too. This won’t change anything, they’ll understand. I promise.” Steve put a comforting hand on Bucky’s shoulder. </p>
<p>Bucky’s shoulders started shaking with laughter and once again, Steve misunderstood. </p>
<p>“Oh god, Buck, don’t cry.”</p>
<p>Bucky sat up then, tears actually welling in his eyes now from how hard he was laughing. “No, you jerk. I’m trying to tell you that I’m into men. Romantically.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Steve said. “Ohhhhh, right. Well, that’s… I mean. I didn’t really expect that. There were all those dames back…” Steve waved a hand faintly, apparently indicating the past.</p>
<p>“I like dames,” Bucky assured him. “I just like men too.”</p>
<p>“Ok, that’s fine. Good. No issues with that here. Heck, Tony does too.” Steve smiled brightly, obviously trying to reassure Bucky. </p>
<p>“Yeah, I know.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” Steve frowned. “You and Tony?”</p>
<p>Bucky laughed, reminded of his own conversation with Tony. “No, he just told me. He kinda saw me on the bridge with John, er Loki, kissing him.”</p>
<p>“Well, that’s… um.... I’m sorry?” </p>
<p>Bucky shrugged. “It happened; it’s done. Hey, at least I got a chance to kiss a guy, that’s something I suppose.”</p>
<p>“I’m sure there’ll be other opportunities.” Steve tried to reassure him. </p>
<p>Yeah, Bucky was sure that all the cute guys would be lining up to kiss the partial amnesiac, former hydra assassin. He didn’t say this out loud, of course, because Steve would just argue with him and he really didn’t feel like getting into it. It had been weeks, and he still missed John with a fierceness. He hated that he couldn’t seem to let go of something that was dead and gone before it had really started. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. I've Got Fire in my Soul</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here it is! The last chapter!</p><p>I just wanted to make a note, this chapter is pretty close to the opening scene of Avengers: Age of Ultron. Obviously, it goes differently because of the events before it, but I also decided to take out the Maximoff's. Nothing against them, I just knew that including them would pull focus from both this chapter and the next fic, so it was easier to not include them. Also, there won't be any Ultron.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>They worked their way through Bucky’s list of Hydra bases quickly enough. Each time they left without the scepter, but Bucky didn’t feel like it was a wasted effort. Doing something against Hydra felt good; they were taking them down a peg at a time. They were down to one of the last bases Bucky knew about, the second to last actually. He really didn’t want to go to Siberia, so Sokovia it was. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This one was by far the most fortified. They came under enemy fire almost immediately as they entered the forest. These guys were much better armed than the other Hydra bases were, far better than current technology would dictate. They were shooting blue lasers, hell some of the men were even flying using suits far less impressive than Iron Man’s.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once they were in sight of the base, Tony took off to infiltrate, promptly slamming into some kind of energy barrier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit!” The genius griped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Language,” Steve chided. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Really, Rogers? Language? I would have loved to hear you say that to Dugan.” Bucky laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I know. It just slipped out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Loki’s scepter must be here,” Thor interrupted the harping. “Strucker couldn’t match this defence without it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey guys, I think we may have lost the element of surprise.” Clint fired a few arrows before indicating a band of guards that took off into the woods to the right. “Barnes, you got them?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“On it,” Bucky turned his motorcycle to weave through the trees. He caught a flash of something running along beside him, something fast and white. He chanced a look over to see a wolf dodging through the trees, running right alongside him. It was weird as hell, but Bucky didn’t have time to try to figure it out. By the time he had caught up and taken out the Hydra soldiers, the wolf was gone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thor, I’ve gotten the shield down. Some of those shots are making it to the city, can you take out the canons?” Tony asked over the coms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Consider it done,” Thor replied. It wasn’t too long before Bucky could hear massive explosions coming from the direction of the base. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clint’s hit pretty bad, guys, we’re going to need evac,” Natasha’s voice came out over the coms. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky immediately started up his bike and headed back to their initial position. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can get Barton to the jet. The sooner we’re gone, the better. You, Stark and Barnes secure the scepter,” Thor said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Copy that,” Steve responded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Roger,” Bucky added. “ETA, one minute.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And for gosh sake, watch your language!” Tony added in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not going away anytime soon,” Steve mumbled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It really wasn’t, not if Bucky had anything to say about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time Bucky caught up to Steve, Thor and the rest were gone, including most of the Hydra soldiers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You good to do this?” Steve asked him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I told you, I’ve never been in this facility, so no memories to worry about.” Thankfully. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They started forward only to be stopped by a personnel carrier, with only one man in the back. Steve and Bucky looked at one another. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I feel like they’re underestimating us here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He could be enhanced,” Steve countered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And we’re not? Still two on one,” Bucky shot back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both studied the man in the truck. He wasn’t dressed in armour like the rest of the soldiers had been. He wasn’t carrying any fancy weapons. He wasn’t familiar, as far as Bucky could tell. He regarded them back for a moment before he pulled out a very familiar red book. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky’s bowels turned to water as dread consumed him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Soldier,” the man yelled in Russian. Bucky knew it was Russian but his brain almost automatically translated it as if it was English. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Steve,” Bucky pleaded, too god-damned scared to care how pathetic his voice sounded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve immediately threw his shield at the man. It should have struck him square in the chest, but it bounced off an energy shield. It looked like the same one that had been protecting the base. Stark had taken it out, but there was no time to get him back here. Not when Bucky knew what was coming next. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Longing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Steve, run,” Bucky managed through his clenched jaw. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rusted,” the man continued; another nail in the coffin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Buck, what’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Get the fuck out of here,” Bucky demanded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Seventeen.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not leaving you, whatever is going on, fight this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky wanted to weep. There was no fighting this. This was the very antithesis to fighting. But of course the stubborn bastard wouldn’t leave. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Daybreak.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky could. He should just run in the opposite direction. It wouldn’t take too long before he would be out of vocal range; of course, the man was on a truck. Bucky was fast, but not that fast. At least then, he’d be away from Steve. Except the idiot would follow him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Furnace.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky was frozen with indecision. He could do no more than stand there with his fists clenched, fighting against the buzzing in his head. It would only get worse, he knew: the buzzing would increase intensity until there was nothing left, until he was a hollow shell, there just to do Hydra’s will. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Movement to his right caught Bucky’s eye. The white wolf from earlier, he assumed it was the same, was back, headed right towards them. Was this animal a monster too? Another tool of Hydra? Sent to spy on him so that they could pounce at the opportune moment?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Benign.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The wolf stopped right in front of them, barking and growling. Bucky wanted to laugh. That wolf thought he was scary? Bucky was about to become the scariest thing for miles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Homecoming.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky could hear the gears grinding in his metal arm as he tightened his fist. The wolf started to glimmer with green and gold and suddenly, standing before him was John. No, not John. His hair was longer, but still a bit wavy and loose above his shoulders. He was wearing a black leather get-up with green panels and gold embellishments, similar to what he had been wearing in Tony’s video footage. Not John, Loki. Or maybe it was better to say, not just John. Bucky firmly believed that John was who Loki was at his core, without all of the Asgardian bullshit. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Loki, don’t you dare hurt him,” Steve ordered as Loki moved closer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I won’t hurt him, Captain.” Loki said, before gathering Bucky’s face in his cool hands. “No one will.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky felt the tingle of Loki’s magic on his temples and in his skull. Unlike the aching buzz of the Hydra conditioning, this was refreshing, like mint toothpaste. It chased away the gunk clogging his thoughts until all that was left in his head was him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span> “Freight Car.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky tensed, not sure what was about to happen. As it turned out… nothing. There was no desire to obey, no thirst for new orders, there was just him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Soldier!” The man shouted, but this time, Bucky was able to ignore him. “Are you ready to comply?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki waved a hand negligently and the man choked. “He won't be complying with anything you say.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You speak Russian?” Bucky asked, bewildered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I speak everything,” Loki responded with a feral grin, before turning to Steve. “You’ll find that you should be able to apprehend that monster now, Captain. I wasn’t sure if you would need information, so I left him alive.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh… thanks. I’m just going to go do that.” Steve replied awkwardly, looking at Bucky for confirmation. Bucky nodded at him. Steve shot another uncertain look before jogging over to the now unconscious man.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That was some neat trick.” Bucky wasn’t sure what else to say. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clearing the trigger from your mind? Child’s play, compared to returning your memories.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I actually meant the shapeshifting. But thank you for that, and for the memories as well; they were... it meant a lot to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It seemed that Loki felt uncertain as well because he latched on to the easier topic. “Yes, well, I do enjoy shapeshifting.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So would I if I could be a big wolf.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As well as other things…” Loki trailed off with a smirk and Bucky connected the dots. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That bird that was pissing Clint off!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki nodded. “There were other times, but yes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The implication warmed something in Bucky. “You missed me”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You just have a penchant for getting into trouble. Letting the Captain talk you into this ridiculous errand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you told me to be happy. Being a part of a team makes me happy. Sticking it to Hydra didn’t hurt either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, well I preferred when ridiculous tourist attractions were what made you happy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Admit it, you missed me.” Loki glared at him. “Just say it. Say ‘Bucky, I missed you very much. I’ll never abandon you again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bucky is such a ridiculous name, really; you don’t suppose I could call you James?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bucky wanted to say no, once again it was stark proof that Loki was not John. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can call me whatever you want, as long as you stay.” Bucky decided after a moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Loki’s grin was exactly as he remembered, that special smile that was just for him, not a smirk, not meant for show, just happy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“James, then,” Bucky couldn’t help it, he did what he had been wanted to do practically since he met the man. What he had been dreaming about since that all too short experience on the bridge in London. He pulled on the collar of that leather jacket and seized his lips in a kiss. Loki was surprised, but instantly reciprocated, latching on to Bucky’s wrist to pull himself even closer, giving as good as he got. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve coughed. Bucky and Loki pulled away quickly. He was standing next to them with the Hydra operative collapsed in the snow next to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were interrupted by a heavy suit of armor landing down next to them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, I got the scepter. Found it behind a hidden passageway, always fun. Anyhoo, everything all went according to plan otherwise. How about you guys?” Stark looked at the three of them before reacting in overblown surprise. “Would you look at that! Loki’s here! Seems like important mission data that should have been relayed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tony glared at them, mostly at Steve. The three of them just continued to stare back at him, apparently no one else knew what to tell Tony either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ok, no one is going to tell me what the fuck I missed?” Tony spluttered.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Language, sir,” Loki chided. “The Captain has delicate ears.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even Loki’s doing it, great.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll tell you about it on the way home,” Bucky assured Tony, clapping the other man on the shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Bucky, I’m not so sure-” Steve started. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s coming,” Bucky growled. Steve’s mouth snapped shut and he nodded reluctantly. It was nice to know that Bucky’s murder face still worked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you certain, James?” Loki asked. “This will likely mean trouble, for everyone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re the one who appointed yourself my guardian angel. I’m just making sure you can do your job properly. I have a deadly soft mattress you need to protect me from.” Bucky returned with a grin, pressing his lips against Loki’s again in a much softer, less heated kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Stark whistled. “Smooth, Barnes. Color me impressed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Steve coughed uncomfortably. “We should probably get going.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Tony snickered. “Dibs on not being the one to tell SHIELD about Loki.” </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So there it is! Obviously, this is an ending, but not the ending. I've got the next fic about a third done. It will mostly follow the events of Civil War in a broad sense and will set up WinterIronFrost. If you've subscribed to just this fic, make sure you go in and subscribe to the series or to me as an author to ensure that you get notified when I start posting. </p><p>I hope you stay tuned! Thank you all for the love and support!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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